Juni 1, 2004
at home again
Well, hello everyone who read this.
I am at home, again. Again and again. I am here but not quite. I am not really here. My mind is everywhere else. It’s in Bosnia, Norway, in Denmark, Iceland, in Thailand everywhere excepting for here. I’m sitting in front of a computer that will never understand, writing words in a language which isn’t mine. I’m not here and nothing of these things around me are mine. Nothing.
I don’t know what I want, whether it is being here or not, I don’t want nothing of what I got now. But I don’t know what that is, yet. Time. Yep, time is what I need and what I got now, no more friends, no more love, no more running or thinking, no more nothing.
These couple of days which have seen like months have passed by so slowly, that I’m hoping for them to just scratch my mind while there’re passing by, make me bleed while I’m trying to seem optimistic. Smiling has become a bad habit of mine, just like it will become my future expectations of nothing. What I want is exactly what I can’t get anymore. That which at some point I was wishing to fade away, to erase and go back to my nothingness. To go back.
I have achieved some things though. I have learnt how to knit for my dog (what a thought), unsuccessfully bake bread and dream about my squared independence (yes, those four walls that I’m expecting soon). Meanwhile I’m desperately trying to find a job, as I secretly wish I wouldn’t get one; because I don’t want to start anything yet, I have the hope of going back there soon. But, wake up. I need to wake up and well, realize that the hopes I have are non existing, they have no foundations. Just like everything else in my life again. No more feeling safe as I discover things that I wish I didn’t know, that I wish I had known before of that I wish I could have done something about.
My family. What a mess. Even messier than myself. Dad, sick. Sister, stressed. Mother, confused. Brother, lost since the beginning. It seems like it hasn’t been a heaven for any of us. I’m the savior, am I? I’m the one who’s lost the deepest, my soul is breaking apart, and yet, I need to stand up. Strong as a rock, but weak as all.
I miss. I miss it all. But I’m happy I had it once. Love, freedom, loneliness and the best company ever. But I miss all of that like hell. And tomorrow will be one more day…