SabiduríAndinA

Un poco de Borges

Último poema

"Si pudiera vivir nuevamente mi vida, en la próxima trataría de cometer más errores. No intentaría ser tan perfecto, me relajaría más. Sería más tonto de lo que he sido, de hecho tomaría muy pocas cosas con seriedad. Sería menos higiénico.

Correría más riesgos, haría más viajes, contemplaría más atardeceres, Subiría más montañas, nadaría más ríos. Iría a más lugares a los que nunca he ido, comería más helados y menos habas, tendría más problemas reales y menos imaginarios.

Yo fui de esas personas que vivió sensata y prolíficamente cada momento de su vida, claro que tuve momentos de alegría. Pero si pudiera volver atrás trataría solamente de tener buenos momentos. Por si no lo saben, de eso está hecha la vida, solo de momentos, no te pierdas el ahora.

Yo era uno de esos que nunca iba a ninguna parte sin un termómetro, una bolsa de agua caliente, un paraguas y un paracaídas.

Si pudiera volver a vivir, comenzaría así hasta concluir el otoño, daría más vueltas en calesita, contemplaría más amaneceres y jugaría con más niños si tuviera otra vez la vida por delante...

Pero ya ven, tengo 85 años y sé que me estoy muriendo..."

Jorge Luis Borges Último poema.

Hey
You know? I was kind or afraid of getting back here, and well, it hasn’t been so bad. The only bad thing has been the fact that I don’t have a proper place to sleep, and yep I’m getting down to that. I didn’t really remember that this fucking library was a declared insect community, but I’m gonna fucking vacuum those fuckers out of here. This is gonna be my new place so, get the hell out of it! And well, I have only found the small details about it, like webs and corps and that stuff, and while I’m spreading all over the damned insect killer or whatever it’s called, they’ll all die (of course if I don’t die before they do).  it’s gonna be nice. The cool thing is that I also saved some money for my University and well, apparently my parents don’t wanna allow me to spend it on that, coz they have the thought that they are supposed to pay it themselves, they haven’t figured out of course that the money I got is theirs from the start, so I’ll spend it on a nice wall paint and fabrics and all the stuff I need to decorate this place. Well, it is now my place. So I’ll do it my way. Unfortunately I’ll also do it by myself since they all are involved in their own stuff… so I’m getting my hands down to the project, before I need to start finding out about the Universities and my job and shit, so it’ll be cool…
Yesterday, (mmm I thought it was the 1st of June, but apparently it was the 2nd) my dad went to get this new treatment for his pain. One thing about him is that despite the fact that they found out that he has no more of that motherfucking cancer, he still feels intense pain which or course drives us all insane, because we don’t like and can’t live with our dad feeling so bad, so my mom took him to like 6 doctors who all said that they have no clue what to do now, and we ended up with this alternative doctor who will help in relieving his pain through what is being called “electro acupuncture” and though I’m slightly skeptic about the veracity or this treatment, we’re with all of our hopes for it to work. If this doesn’t work though, we’ll go to yet another doctor, who will treat him through some spirits and that shit. So, you can imagine how much I am hoping for the electro whatever thing to work.
Anyways, nothing much has happened in my life asides from that and my chain smoking, which is (considering my accustomed behavior at the school) nothing to be worried about, and actually I am smoking much less from what I was used to smoke. The problem is that there are no great smokers in my family, sp being the only one is kind of a shock for all of them. Anyhow, I’ll try to make it until next week, when I’m planning to meet Klau’s dad who works in a job agency apparently… and begin seriously to do all of my projects…(i.e. Portuguese, working, my room, University shit and maybe going down to the south of the country to a city called Padcaya where my grandma lives….). That is it for now.
Take care and. Lots of

jefferson airplane

“Don’t you want somebody to love, don’t you need somebody to love, wouldn’t you love somebody to love, you better find somebody to love…”
-Jefferson Airplane

Here I am, in front of a computer, or what people here call as one; and well, I am stuck in between the lines that I am writing. I don’t know anymore what to do with myself, and I don’t know what I want from this place. I got here, I wanted to get here and now I don’t know what I am doing here. I write as my mind flows, from one thought to another, but going around the same idea: RCNUWC, is it as harmful as I thought? That Flekke of ours that we thought once belonged to us, but it only belongs to those who don’t realize its potential. I love it, not for what it is, but for what it was and for what it will always be for me. Confused. I want to stop thinking of all those thoughts that hunt me. All those things that I really wish to forget, but that I shouldn’t…

at home again

Well, hello everyone who read this.
I am at home, again. Again and again. I am here but not quite. I am not really here. My mind is everywhere else. It’s in Bosnia, Norway, in Denmark, Iceland, in Thailand everywhere excepting for here. I’m sitting in front of a computer that will never understand, writing words in a language which isn’t mine. I’m not here and nothing of these things around me are mine. Nothing.
I don’t know what I want, whether it is being here or not, I don’t want nothing of what I got now. But I don’t know what that is, yet. Time. Yep, time is what I need and what I got now, no more friends, no more love, no more running or thinking, no more nothing.
These couple of days which have seen like months have passed by so slowly, that I’m hoping for them to just scratch my mind while there’re passing by, make me bleed while I’m trying to seem optimistic. Smiling has become a bad habit of mine, just like it will become my future expectations of nothing. What I want is exactly what I can’t get anymore. That which at some point I was wishing to fade away, to erase and go back to my nothingness. To go back.
I have achieved some things though. I have learnt how to knit for my dog (what a thought), unsuccessfully bake bread and dream about my squared independence (yes, those four walls that I’m expecting soon). Meanwhile I’m desperately trying to find a job, as I secretly wish I wouldn’t get one; because I don’t want to start anything yet, I have the hope of going back there soon. But, wake up. I need to wake up and well, realize that the hopes I have are non existing, they have no foundations. Just like everything else in my life again. No more feeling safe as I discover things that I wish I didn’t know, that I wish I had known before of that I wish I could have done something about.
My family. What a mess. Even messier than myself. Dad, sick. Sister, stressed. Mother, confused. Brother, lost since the beginning. It seems like it hasn’t been a heaven for any of us. I’m the savior, am I? I’m the one who’s lost the deepest, my soul is breaking apart, and yet, I need to stand up. Strong as a rock, but weak as all.
I miss. I miss it all. But I’m happy I had it once. Love, freedom, loneliness and the best company ever. But I miss all of that like hell. And tomorrow will be one more day…